I am Mine

And he said...

Come to me anyway
This isn’t what you would call love
But let it make do
And let us forget what the rest say

I won’t promise naught but pain
I won’t give any more than nothing
I may be there when you walk in
I may stay while everyone else leaves

And then I will leave
‘Cause there are so many more distractions
To blind my pain
So many words to betray

Or they said...

Let me buy you a dream
Of fancy words and glittering roads
Let me worship you
And look at you all day

And you will be draped in a pale shade of green
And I will breathe in all your words
I will be your jealous lord
I will be the end
Isn’t that what you wanted?

And how does one resist when he said?

Hold out your hand
Follow me
I will take you to the end
Where the starburst will await you

I will let you breathe
If you just let me try
I will let you fly
If you only stop by

"Just say yes
Just say there’s nothing holding you back
It’s not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love"*

But how do I believe?
When I can’t even dare to breathe
If I stir, I will feel the chains
Of my fears

But what do I want?
Do I even know?
Is it freedom or imprisonment?
Do I want the power to break your dreams?

What can I give in return?
A lifetime of silence
Of a broken sword
A comfortable deadness

I have nothing but doubts to give
Nothing but all the room you need
Laughter for your care
A stray moment of faith

I can take your pain
And share none of mine in return
I have answers to your grief
But none for mine

I guard it from everyone I know
I will lie and deny to the end
Give a step and take ten back in return
Don’t bother to try
To bring me back to life

"When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eyes
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb"*

*Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol
*Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

And this bird you cannot chain

"If I leave here tomorrow
Would you remember me?
For I must be travelling on now
‘Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see
But if I stayed here with you
Things just couldn’t be the same
Cause I am free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change"
This bird you cannot chain…


Let me hold you
Let me save you
Let me be your all
Let me spin you tales of love
Let me let you save me

She was swept off her feet
Floating in the air
Effervescence, evanescence
The chase and the flight
Giving in was so easy

He had an insinuating hold
Some dark magic she couldn’t place
She brushed her doubts away
For a claim she could deny no more

So began contradiction, corruption
Evaluation, scrutiny
Digging up the past and appointing the blame
Promises of freedom wrapped in golden chains
Threats of vengeance veiled in desperate pleas

And yet she did stay
And yet she did feel
There just had to be a way
To re-string the illusion
As reality wore thin

The unraveling had begun
They flocked to those fields
By the side of the dreams
And they tried to heal
But how do you heal what was never there?

Did she promise salvation?
Did she promise an ideal?
Did she betray the future?
Did he not have a net for safety?

Was self preservation a fault?
Was sanity too much to ask for?
Was peace too much to hope for?
Was what was not white, black?
Was the line not straight?

"Cry freedom cry
From deep inside where we are all confined
How can we turn away?"*

He said, she said, we said
But that’s not what I said
But that’s not what I meant
So it began again
Winding down that bitter road
There is no escape from this maze
We are stuck on this poisoned page

“You and me tried everything
But still that mockingbird won’t sing”*

Where do we go from here?
To turn back is to invite death
To move forward is ruthless
To deny is fruitless
So she wanders
Looking for a reason to stay…

Cause this bird you cannot chain
And this bird you cannot chain…


*Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
*Cry Freedom - Dave Mathews Band
*Mockingbird - Rob Thomas

So Much to Say

“Keep it locked up inside
Talk about the weather
Don’t talk about it”

It has caught up with me again, this death. I tried to run as far away as I could but it was too quick and too clever. Just when I thought I was safe I slipped and fell. Maybe I did not even try. Now everything is empty, nothing more vacuous than my heart. The tears fall for a grief I can’t name and a pain I can’t feel. I don’t even care enough to stop or blink them away. I wish it could be a storm instead.

One minute I am alive and the next deader than a tomb. They had been warning me of my fate. They had seen it before and tried to rescue me. They all added up to a precise measure of regret. But everything passed by, soundlessly, remorselessly, past my indifference like the river I sometimes saw.

All that was left behind was a trickle, sometimes, waves of regret. Of what could have been, a dirge for what she should have been. Not the trite pale mask that shadows the spirit. Is there a reason, an explanation, I ask. Is there ever? Should I blame it on loneliness? Or blame it on the fear of being a fool that wraps me up in loneliness? Weren’t there so many trying to bring me to life? What should I blame it on then? Because I must, mustn’t I?

I try to create an account of the moments and years gone by. But what book will they fill, this recollection of pity and regret? Who will read it but for me? Who will care to release me but I? It isn’t even worth a try… A scream forms at the edge of my thoughts but it just turns into a listless stare.

I can hear the dirge now. It grows faster and faster till I can’t even count this incredible fear. It moves to a two step. One step at a time.

I wrote of this before when I had found some fight. Now all I want is to be still, to be absolutely quiet, and still. Let everything rush past till I can find some reason to find some meaning again, to find some feeling again. Cry out to be rescued again, to be seen again.

Why did I stop running? Maybe I did not even try. Maybe. Yes, I did not even try. Death was too beautiful, too seductive, and too easy. It welcomed me with open arms. And I went to meet it. A little further everyday, a little closer every night and a little sweeter with every glance.

A bitter laugh escapes from somewhere. It caresses my ears and wafts away. Maybe I should follow it. At least it will lead somewhere. Away from this song, away from myself. And then again, maybe someday, I will try.

“Treading trodden trails for a long long time
I find that sometimes it’s easy to be myself
Sometimes, I find it’s better to be somebody else
So much to say
So much to say
So much to say”

*‘So Much to Say’ – The Dave Mathews Band