She looked at the pages of the open notebook. At the few lines scribbled across the page. Painfully, it seemed. Another attempt to put things down. Seal them in ink and the past. Some nonsense she had picked up about dealing with things that way. But the page disgusted her, as did the colour of the ink, the handwriting, even the carefully chosen pen. If only it could be like writing-a-difficult-letter-crunching-up-one-sheet-after-the-other-movie-moment. She smiled ruefully at herself.
So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And remembered where she'd been
In white rooms and dark spaces
From the outside to the inside
To where it all began
From fear to hope and then back again
Between uncountable glasses of Vodka
And interminable moments of giving up and giving in
So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And took a walk
Along the river
Up those stairs which lead somewhere
If only she could see past the mist
Clawing forward
To the dark side of the moon
So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And longed for who she'd been
A dreamer of a million words
Of countless dreams
Healer of the broken
Chaser of every whim
The many different people
Blinding Tuesdays and everyday Fridays
So she woke up
And lay still
Wondering how it all came to pass
"Talk", they said. You must.
How could she?
Every word shut up behind a word.
The pages of her book.
Kept there long enough it would cease.
So she woke up
And shut up
Every word behind a word
Erased every syllable so she couldn't feel
How could she?
She had left that path a long time ago
So she woke up to where she'd lost
Woke up to strangeness
To herself
And went back to sleep
For she did not like what she did see
Pillars falling, legends crawling
Death parading
As life slipped away
So she woke up
Woke up to voices
That long forgotten song
Come back to us they summoned
Return to the light
To us. To us.
Whatever for?
What does the light have?
She had forgotten her way
So she woke up
Woke up to leave
Taking fragments, shreds, moments
To piece together the maze again
In dreams of open spaces
Foggy memories
So she woke up
To rest
To herself
Maybe she'd had too much to dream last night*
So she opened the pages. To write again. And smiled.
*U2: Running to stand still – The Joshua Tree
*Tanmay Sahay's gmail status message.
