Like Snowflakes on an Ocean

I said come take me away
He said not today
Things are a little hazy
and I can't get myself out of here

Run, run like the wind
I will be your wingman
Disappointment is a step away
Disillusion a breath behind

It is so clear
I can’t follow where you go
It is time to be free again
Like a snowflake on the ocean

It could be wrong
This is out of control
It can never last
Must erase it fast
But it could have been right…

You blinked, I told you you would miss
You are at the edge
Just another step
Just one another inch

Don’t step there
There lay a dream
A once dear friend
I used to know her once

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the lord
But you don’t really care for music do you?

Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
You know I used to live alone before I knew you

One common theme of broken notes
The music that shreds the soul
Tears it to pieces
Leaves the strands for the universe to consume

You went around the bend
And found them waiting
To extract payment
To exact some painless revenge

Comfort turns to numbness
Numbness to pain
Pain to hope
That not everything is dead

The dark side of the moon
Was also once seen
Yet we know it not anymore
For we see it no more

For there is no balance
There is no perfection
Only paths to follow
and words to chose
and the world to lose...

I am Mine

And he said...

Come to me anyway
This isn’t what you would call love
But let it make do
And let us forget what the rest say

I won’t promise naught but pain
I won’t give any more than nothing
I may be there when you walk in
I may stay while everyone else leaves

And then I will leave
‘Cause there are so many more distractions
To blind my pain
So many words to betray

Or they said...

Let me buy you a dream
Of fancy words and glittering roads
Let me worship you
And look at you all day

And you will be draped in a pale shade of green
And I will breathe in all your words
I will be your jealous lord
I will be the end
Isn’t that what you wanted?

And how does one resist when he said?

Hold out your hand
Follow me
I will take you to the end
Where the starburst will await you

I will let you breathe
If you just let me try
I will let you fly
If you only stop by

"Just say yes
Just say there’s nothing holding you back
It’s not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love"*

But how do I believe?
When I can’t even dare to breathe
If I stir, I will feel the chains
Of my fears

But what do I want?
Do I even know?
Is it freedom or imprisonment?
Do I want the power to break your dreams?

What can I give in return?
A lifetime of silence
Of a broken sword
A comfortable deadness

I have nothing but doubts to give
Nothing but all the room you need
Laughter for your care
A stray moment of faith

I can take your pain
And share none of mine in return
I have answers to your grief
But none for mine

I guard it from everyone I know
I will lie and deny to the end
Give a step and take ten back in return
Don’t bother to try
To bring me back to life

"When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eyes
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb"*

*Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol
*Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

And this bird you cannot chain

"If I leave here tomorrow
Would you remember me?
For I must be travelling on now
‘Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see
But if I stayed here with you
Things just couldn’t be the same
Cause I am free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change"
This bird you cannot chain…


Let me hold you
Let me save you
Let me be your all
Let me spin you tales of love
Let me let you save me

She was swept off her feet
Floating in the air
Effervescence, evanescence
The chase and the flight
Giving in was so easy

He had an insinuating hold
Some dark magic she couldn’t place
She brushed her doubts away
For a claim she could deny no more

So began contradiction, corruption
Evaluation, scrutiny
Digging up the past and appointing the blame
Promises of freedom wrapped in golden chains
Threats of vengeance veiled in desperate pleas

And yet she did stay
And yet she did feel
There just had to be a way
To re-string the illusion
As reality wore thin

The unraveling had begun
They flocked to those fields
By the side of the dreams
And they tried to heal
But how do you heal what was never there?

Did she promise salvation?
Did she promise an ideal?
Did she betray the future?
Did he not have a net for safety?

Was self preservation a fault?
Was sanity too much to ask for?
Was peace too much to hope for?
Was what was not white, black?
Was the line not straight?

"Cry freedom cry
From deep inside where we are all confined
How can we turn away?"*

He said, she said, we said
But that’s not what I said
But that’s not what I meant
So it began again
Winding down that bitter road
There is no escape from this maze
We are stuck on this poisoned page

“You and me tried everything
But still that mockingbird won’t sing”*

Where do we go from here?
To turn back is to invite death
To move forward is ruthless
To deny is fruitless
So she wanders
Looking for a reason to stay…

Cause this bird you cannot chain
And this bird you cannot chain…


*Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
*Cry Freedom - Dave Mathews Band
*Mockingbird - Rob Thomas

So Much to Say

“Keep it locked up inside
Talk about the weather
Don’t talk about it”

It has caught up with me again, this death. I tried to run as far away as I could but it was too quick and too clever. Just when I thought I was safe I slipped and fell. Maybe I did not even try. Now everything is empty, nothing more vacuous than my heart. The tears fall for a grief I can’t name and a pain I can’t feel. I don’t even care enough to stop or blink them away. I wish it could be a storm instead.

One minute I am alive and the next deader than a tomb. They had been warning me of my fate. They had seen it before and tried to rescue me. They all added up to a precise measure of regret. But everything passed by, soundlessly, remorselessly, past my indifference like the river I sometimes saw.

All that was left behind was a trickle, sometimes, waves of regret. Of what could have been, a dirge for what she should have been. Not the trite pale mask that shadows the spirit. Is there a reason, an explanation, I ask. Is there ever? Should I blame it on loneliness? Or blame it on the fear of being a fool that wraps me up in loneliness? Weren’t there so many trying to bring me to life? What should I blame it on then? Because I must, mustn’t I?

I try to create an account of the moments and years gone by. But what book will they fill, this recollection of pity and regret? Who will read it but for me? Who will care to release me but I? It isn’t even worth a try… A scream forms at the edge of my thoughts but it just turns into a listless stare.

I can hear the dirge now. It grows faster and faster till I can’t even count this incredible fear. It moves to a two step. One step at a time.

I wrote of this before when I had found some fight. Now all I want is to be still, to be absolutely quiet, and still. Let everything rush past till I can find some reason to find some meaning again, to find some feeling again. Cry out to be rescued again, to be seen again.

Why did I stop running? Maybe I did not even try. Maybe. Yes, I did not even try. Death was too beautiful, too seductive, and too easy. It welcomed me with open arms. And I went to meet it. A little further everyday, a little closer every night and a little sweeter with every glance.

A bitter laugh escapes from somewhere. It caresses my ears and wafts away. Maybe I should follow it. At least it will lead somewhere. Away from this song, away from myself. And then again, maybe someday, I will try.

“Treading trodden trails for a long long time
I find that sometimes it’s easy to be myself
Sometimes, I find it’s better to be somebody else
So much to say
So much to say
So much to say”

*‘So Much to Say’ – The Dave Mathews Band

Music..

Till all else fails
And everything pales
And the soul has all but fled
Music will engulf me

At once greater and higher
Than I ever will be
But when we’re one
We will soar
To the memory of that tune
We will be the muse

Together, you and I my friend
We will conquer fear
Revel in the darkness
Dance the madness
Release the freedom

Till every moment stretches
To a fine balance
To the depths we will go
Till we can't anymore
And shatter
Into shards
Sharper than swords

Together you and I
When we find it hard to see
We’ll hide
From the light that hurts the eye
And let the darkness cloak us
Where the tune plays

Till there is time to stray
We will win and lose
And play the fool
And be the world’s dupe
And still the music will play

Together you and I
We will live
Till all the dances of this world are done
And then find another
Till seven times seven is none
Till beauty fails to sway
We will delay
Our stay

Till we can run no more
After every wild flower
Till we can love no more
The darkest corner of our hearts
Till we can feel no more
The exquisite pain of the world

Together you and I
We will sing
Till we empty all the poison
That throttles every heart

Till we can cry no more
For all we could have been
Till we can steal no more
Of these hours
From the hands of our jealous lords
Let us play

Together you and I my friend
We will leave it till the morrow
And return
To find it still
In the vale
That tune, that song playing

And I will knock on your door
Once more
And together you and I
Will sit
And discover the tune
Once again…

On Reading the Bell Jar*

"God is dead, and we have killed him, you and I!" *

Nothing stays. Everything dulls.
There is sparkle. Moments, hours of life.
But nothing stays.
The rest seems duller by comparison.

It was but 3 days.
It is in my mind I said.
The cold. The distance.
All in the mind.
The awkwardness.
To start again.

Restless pacing,
Closing rooms.
Run. As far away as you can.
“Quick! They’re here.”
This moment. This very moment.

I hear laughter.
Who was it?
I turn to find no one there.

It was all in jest,
But I remember.
Dismissal is not easy,
Forgetting a relief rarely found,
What forgiveness then?

Words words words words
Is there no escaping them?

Free falling.
There is no such thing.
God is dead.

Will prayer help?
In letting go
Can it? Can you?
Help me?
Tell me?

Implode.
Eyes eyes all around.
Looking. probing. Demanding

Retreat,
Not heroic.
Turn in.
Cease.
Ring a line around.

A fossil,
Trapped in amber.
I cannot move.

Everything marches in a straight line to death,
Ceasing.
People spewing out of homes, buses, cars,
Revolting.
All busy, everyone with somewhere to go.
Something to do.

The bell jar* shuts
The last breath escapes
The eyes close
As if it never was


* The Bell Jar: Sylvia Plath

* Nietzsche: Thus spoke Zarathustra

So she woke up

She looked at the pages of the open notebook. At the few lines scribbled across the page. Painfully, it seemed. Another attempt to put things down. Seal them in ink and the past. Some nonsense she had picked up about dealing with things that way. But the page disgusted her, as did the colour of the ink, the handwriting, even the carefully chosen pen. If only it could be like writing-a-difficult-letter-crunching-up-one-sheet-after-the-other-movie-moment. She smiled ruefully at herself.

So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And remembered where she'd been

In white rooms and dark spaces
From the outside to the inside
To where it all began
From fear to hope and then back again
Between uncountable glasses of Vodka
And interminable moments of giving up and giving in

So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And took a walk

Along the river
Up those stairs which lead somewhere
If only she could see past the mist
Clawing forward
To the dark side of the moon


So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And longed for who she'd been

A dreamer of a million words
Of countless dreams
Healer of the broken
Chaser of every whim
The many different people
Blinding Tuesdays and everyday Fridays


So she woke up
And lay still
Wondering how it all came to pass

"Talk", they said. You must.
How could she?
Every word shut up behind a word.
The pages of her book.
Kept there long enough it would cease.


So she woke up
And shut up

Every word behind a word
Erased every syllable so she couldn't feel
How could she?
She had left that path a long time ago

So she woke up to where she'd lost
Woke up to strangeness
To herself

And went back to sleep
For she did not like what she did see
Pillars falling, legends crawling
Death parading
As life slipped away

So she woke up
Woke up to voices
That long forgotten song

Come back to us they summoned
Return to the light
To us. To us.
Whatever for?
What does the light have?
She had forgotten her way


So she woke up
Woke up to leave

Taking fragments, shreds, moments
To piece together the maze again
In dreams of open spaces
Foggy memories


So she woke up
To rest
To herself
Maybe she'd had too much to dream last night*

So she opened the pages. To write again. And smiled.

*U2: Running to stand still – The Joshua Tree
*Tanmay Sahay's gmail status message.