Shine On

Like Snowflakes on an Ocean

2011-06-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

I said come take me away
He said not today
Things are a little hazy
and I can't get myself out of here

Run, run like the wind
I will be your wingman
Disappointment is a step away
Disillusion a breath behind

It is so clear
I can’t follow where you go
It is time to be free again
Like a snowflake on the ocean

It could be wrong
This is out of control
It can never last
Must erase it fast
But it could have been right…

You blinked, I told you you would miss
You are at the edge
Just another step
Just one another inch

Don’t step there
There lay a dream
A once dear friend
I used to know her once

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the lord
But you don’t really care for music do you?

Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
You know I used to live alone before I knew you

One common theme of broken notes
The music that shreds the soul
Tears it to pieces
Leaves the strands for the universe to consume

You went around the bend
And found them waiting
To extract payment
To exact some painless revenge

Comfort turns to numbness
Numbness to pain
Pain to hope
That not everything is dead

The dark side of the moon
Was also once seen
Yet we know it not anymore
For we see it no more

For there is no balance
There is no perfection
Only paths to follow
and words to chose
and the world to lose...

I am Mine

2010-10-06T03:06:00.000-07:00

And he said...

Come to me anyway
This isn’t what you would call love
But let it make do
And let us forget what the rest say

I won’t promise naught but pain
I won’t give any more than nothing
I may be there when you walk in
I may stay while everyone else leaves

And then I will leave
‘Cause there are so many more distractions
To blind my pain
So many words to betray

Or they said...

Let me buy you a dream
Of fancy words and glittering roads
Let me worship you
And look at you all day

And you will be draped in a pale shade of green
And I will breathe in all your words
I will be your jealous lord
I will be the end
Isn’t that what you wanted?

And how does one resist when he said?

Hold out your hand
Follow me
I will take you to the end
Where the starburst will await you

I will let you breathe
If you just let me try
I will let you fly
If you only stop by

"Just say yes
Just say there’s nothing holding you back
It’s not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love"*

But how do I believe?
When I can’t even dare to breathe
If I stir, I will feel the chains
Of my fears

But what do I want?
Do I even know?
Is it freedom or imprisonment?
Do I want the power to break your dreams?

What can I give in return?
A lifetime of silence
Of a broken sword
A comfortable deadness

I have nothing but doubts to give
Nothing but all the room you need
Laughter for your care
A stray moment of faith

I can take your pain
And share none of mine in return
I have answers to your grief
But none for mine

I guard it from everyone I know
I will lie and deny to the end
Give a step and take ten back in return
Don’t bother to try
To bring me back to life

"When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eyes
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb"*

*Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol
*Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

And this bird you cannot chain

2010-10-01T01:56:00.000-07:00

"If I leave here tomorrow
Would you remember me?
For I must be travelling on now
‘Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see
But if I stayed here with you
Things just couldn’t be the same
Cause I am free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change"
This bird you cannot chain…

Let me hold you
Let me save you
Let me be your all
Let me spin you tales of love
Let me let you save me

She was swept off her feet
Floating in the air
Effervescence, evanescence
The chase and the flight
Giving in was so easy

He had an insinuating hold
Some dark magic she couldn’t place
She brushed her doubts away
For a claim she could deny no more

So began contradiction, corruption
Evaluation, scrutiny
Digging up the past and appointing the blame
Promises of freedom wrapped in golden chains
Threats of vengeance veiled in desperate pleas

And yet she did stay
And yet she did feel
There just had to be a way
To re-string the illusion
As reality wore thin

The unraveling had begun
They flocked to those fields
By the side of the dreams
And they tried to heal
But how do you heal what was never there?

Did she promise salvation?
Did she promise an ideal?
Did she betray the future?
Did he not have a net for safety?

Was self preservation a fault?
Was sanity too much to ask for?
Was peace too much to hope for?
Was what was not white, black?
Was the line not straight?

"Cry freedom cry
From deep inside where we are all confined
How can we turn away?"*

He said, she said, we said
But that’s not what I said
But that’s not what I meant
So it began again
Winding down that bitter road
There is no escape from this maze
We are stuck on this poisoned page

“You and me tried everything
But still that mockingbird won’t sing”*

Where do we go from here?
To turn back is to invite death
To move forward is ruthless
To deny is fruitless
So she wanders
Looking for a reason to stay…

Cause this bird you cannot chain
And this bird you cannot chain…

*Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
*Cry Freedom - Dave Mathews Band
*Mockingbird - Rob Thomas

So Much to Say

2010-07-22T03:04:00.000-07:00

“Keep it locked up inside
Talk about the weather
Don’t talk about it”

It has caught up with me again, this death. I tried to run as far away as I could but it was too quick and too clever. Just when I thought I was safe I slipped and fell. Maybe I did not even try. Now everything is empty, nothing more vacuous than my heart. The tears fall for a grief I can’t name and a pain I can’t feel. I don’t even care enough to stop or blink them away. I wish it could be a storm instead.

One minute I am alive and the next deader than a tomb. They had been warning me of my fate. They had seen it before and tried to rescue me. They all added up to a precise measure of regret. But everything passed by, soundlessly, remorselessly, past my indifference like the river I sometimes saw.

All that was left behind was a trickle, sometimes, waves of regret. Of what could have been, a dirge for what she should have been. Not the trite pale mask that shadows the spirit. Is there a reason, an explanation, I ask. Is there ever? Should I blame it on loneliness? Or blame it on the fear of being a fool that wraps me up in loneliness? Weren’t there so many trying to bring me to life? What should I blame it on then? Because I must, mustn’t I?

I try to create an account of the moments and years gone by. But what book will they fill, this recollection of pity and regret? Who will read it but for me? Who will care to release me but I? It isn’t even worth a try… A scream forms at the edge of my thoughts but it just turns into a listless stare.

I can hear the dirge now. It grows faster and faster till I can’t even count this incredible fear. It moves to a two step. One step at a time.

I wrote of this before when I had found some fight. Now all I want is to be still, to be absolutely quiet, and still. Let everything rush past till I can find some reason to find some meaning again, to find some feeling again. Cry out to be rescued again, to be seen again.

Why did I stop running? Maybe I did not even try. Maybe. Yes, I did not even try. Death was too beautiful, too seductive, and too easy. It welcomed me with open arms. And I went to meet it. A little further everyday, a little closer every night and a little sweeter with every glance.

A bitter laugh escapes from somewhere. It caresses my ears and wafts away. Maybe I should follow it. At least it will lead somewhere. Away from this song, away from myself. And then again, maybe someday, I will try.

“Treading trodden trails for a long long time
I find that sometimes it’s easy to be myself
Sometimes, I find it’s better to be somebody else
So much to say
So much to say
So much to say”

*‘So Much to Say’ – The Dave Mathews Band

Music..

2008-11-12T23:21:00.000-08:00

Till all else fails
And everything pales
And the soul has all but fled
Music will engulf me

At once greater and higher
Than I ever will be
But when we’re one
We will soar
To the memory of that tune
We will be the muse

Together, you and I my friend
We will conquer fear
Revel in the darkness
Dance the madness
Release the freedom

Till every moment stretches
To a fine balance
To the depths we will go
Till we can't anymore
And shatter
Into shards
Sharper than swords

Together you and I
When we find it hard to see
We’ll hide
From the light that hurts the eye
And let the darkness cloak us
Where the tune plays

Till there is time to stray
We will win and lose
And play the fool
And be the world’s dupe
And still the music will play

Together you and I
We will live
Till all the dances of this world are done
And then find another
Till seven times seven is none
Till beauty fails to sway
We will delay
Our stay

Till we can run no more
After every wild flower
Till we can love no more
The darkest corner of our hearts
Till we can feel no more
The exquisite pain of the world

Together you and I
We will sing
Till we empty all the poison
That throttles every heart

Till we can cry no more
For all we could have been
Till we can steal no more
Of these hours
From the hands of our jealous lords
Let us play

Together you and I my friend
We will leave it till the morrow
And return
To find it still
In the vale
That tune, that song playing

And I will knock on your door
Once more
And together you and I
Will sit
And discover the tune
Once again…

On Reading the Bell Jar*

2008-07-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

"God is dead, and we have killed him, you and I!" *

Nothing stays. Everything dulls.
There is sparkle. Moments, hours of life.
But nothing stays.
The rest seems duller by comparison.

It was but 3 days.
It is in my mind I said.
The cold. The distance.
All in the mind.
The awkwardness.
To start again.

Restless pacing,
Closing rooms.
Run. As far away as you can.
“Quick! They’re here.”
This moment. This very moment.

I hear laughter.
Who was it?
I turn to find no one there.

It was all in jest,
But I remember.
Dismissal is not easy,
Forgetting a relief rarely found,
What forgiveness then?

Words words words words
Is there no escaping them?

Free falling.
There is no such thing.
God is dead.

Will prayer help?
In letting go
Can it? Can you?
Help me?
Tell me?

Implode.
Eyes eyes all around.
Looking. probing. Demanding

Retreat,
Not heroic.
Turn in.
Cease.
Ring a line around.

A fossil,
Trapped in amber.
I cannot move.

Everything marches in a straight line to death,
Ceasing.
People spewing out of homes, buses, cars,
Revolting.
All busy, everyone with somewhere to go.
Something to do.

The bell jar* shuts
The last breath escapes
The eyes close
As if it never was

* The Bell Jar: Sylvia Plath

* Nietzsche: Thus spoke Zarathustra

So she woke up

2008-06-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

She looked at the pages of the open notebook. At the few lines scribbled across the page. Painfully, it seemed. Another attempt to put things down. Seal them in ink and the past. Some nonsense she had picked up about dealing with things that way. But the page disgusted her, as did the colour of the ink, the handwriting, even the carefully chosen pen. If only it could be like writing-a-difficult-letter-crunching-up-one-sheet-after-the-other-movie-moment. She smiled ruefully at herself.

So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And remembered where she'd been

In white rooms and dark spaces
From the outside to the inside
To where it all began
From fear to hope and then back again
Between uncountable glasses of Vodka
And interminable moments of giving up and giving in

So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And took a walk

Along the river
Up those stairs which lead somewhere
If only she could see past the mist
Clawing forward
To the dark side of the moon

So she woke up
Woke up to where she was
And longed for who she'd been

A dreamer of a million words
Of countless dreams
Healer of the broken
Chaser of every whim
The many different people
Blinding Tuesdays and everyday Fridays

So she woke up
And lay still
Wondering how it all came to pass

"Talk", they said. You must.
How could she?
Every word shut up behind a word.
The pages of her book.
Kept there long enough it would cease.

So she woke up
And shut up

Every word behind a word
Erased every syllable so she couldn't feel
How could she?
She had left that path a long time ago

So she woke up to where she'd lost
Woke up to strangeness
To herself

And went back to sleep
For she did not like what she did see
Pillars falling, legends crawling
Death parading
As life slipped away

So she woke up
Woke up to voices
That long forgotten song

Come back to us they summoned
Return to the light
To us. To us.
Whatever for?
What does the light have?
She had forgotten her way

So she woke up
Woke up to leave

Taking fragments, shreds, moments
To piece together the maze again
In dreams of open spaces
Foggy memories

So she woke up
To rest
To herself
Maybe she'd had too much to dream last night*

So she opened the pages. To write again. And smiled.

*U2: Running to stand still – The Joshua Tree
*Tanmay Sahay's gmail status message.

The Story of V and Me

2008-02-01T12:13:00.000-08:00

The story of V and me

Once upon a time there lived two friends in the big bad world of a big city. Their friendship knew no bounds, they were always as one and they never fought. Through all they stood by each other…. the music rises to a crescendo and then…the music falters, the lights dim.

Location: Office Cab.

SMS: Mr.Ch:There is a girl sitting across me in the cab. N she is beautiful! And she is at least an 8.5 on PEG. Hmm and that's when I heard of her first.
Plot and conspire with a certain admirer to find an excuse to visit the training room. General impression of kohl and long skirt.

Location : A party.

She is wearing a yellow T-shirt and the impression gets clearer.Someone is playing 'kajra re'. She dosen't take no for an answer. It is impossible not to get carried along with the exuberance.

Location: Board Room

Meeting with the biggies.Bonding about the size of someone's nose trying our best not to giggle like school girls. Promises made of sponsored plastic surgery for offsprings.

Rickshaw ride from Phase 3 to the malls.

We have an enthusiastic chariot rider. V warns him to rein in his horses a little. Next thing we know we are hanging on to our lives as the noble steed gets blinsided by a mordern day chariot! It slides and tips dangerously to the left. We escape unscathed.
We get off the injured carrier and assess the situation, look each other in the eye and give in to hysterical laughter. We can't stop and the onlookers think we are wonky.

Location: Yet another party!!!

V (after 3 breezers): N, you love me more than P don't you?
N:Yes, ofcourse I do!
V:(after 4 breezers): Tell me na!!!!
N:Arre you are my sister!
K:V asked me not to tell you this but I think she is a little jealous of P.
N: I knowwww! She has told me already.
V: (umm after many many many breezers)N you have to tell her that you love me more than her!
N:(having taken temporary leave of her senses, walks up to P)P I love V more than I love you!
Ooops!

Location : BigChill.

Dinner over, on my way back homeI find myself telling her something I have never told another living soul. The demons of the past.

Location: Times Global Village.

The sun beats down and a body broken down with the past unloads its pain. The loss of innocence is a cruel cruel thing.

Part 2:

"And the meanings get left behind…
All the innocence lost in one time.."

and they say all good things come to an end....

Location:TGIF: V, M and N

V: (eyes glistening with mischief and joy) I had a dream…
N: No!! No!!! No way.
M: Smiles at us

Location:Landmark ( The evening after the night after which things would never be the same again.)

N: You know I was kidding right..
V: No I was.
Hahahaha. We even thought of the same lie to make each other feel better.
That it would not sully our relationship. Oh why? Why? The one pure thing in our lives, who did it displease?

Location: Staying Alive(5:30 in the evening)

"I am better off without you in my life.. "

What madness? What pain? What cry is this?
From whence this dark..
Is it really me? Is it really her?
Oh where are the smiles? Or is it all a mask on a mask to cover a mask?
We are all different behind the eyes.

"I said I don't know whether I was the boxer or the bag"

Location: The Bermuda Triangle.

Dance with me? Cold shoulder. Over and over and over again. Why?
So now have we come to taking revenge?
Does it always come down to this?
Do all roads lead to disillusionment?

Location: 1929.

" Did I dissapont you?"
Leave a bad taste in your mouth?"

Don't ever talk to me again! Just leave me alone!"

"Oh all the innocence lost in one time
We may need to hide tonight."

Part 3

"So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again..."

So how did it all come to pass? Where did the pain end and the healing begin?
And I held her and she held me. Oh how many times have I found my sister?
Woken up knowing she would message me?

Location: Bombay.

After chugging wine a little too quickly, pictures clicked, defences dropped and videos shot.

V:"I''d give up anything for her."
N:Kitli please!
V: Mera sar ghoom raha hai!
N: Sar ke saath tu bhi ghoom.

With departures?
V: I m doing this for all of us.
Setting up a new life.

Insisting on freedom?

N: There are blacks and whites and greys. And it's all a part of you. Whats done cannot be undone but it can be accepted.

SMS: V: N, tell me what's wrong…I know something has happened! You know my instinct about you is so strong.

Location: Google talk.

Confessions.
I knew it. I knew it would happen.
Giving up or giving in? Letting go or letting in?

With helpless laughter?

Location: CCD in Pune.

Icchha dhaari naagin….Freudian slip V??
You laugh so hard people look around convinced that you have taken leave of your senses!

Location: Countless messages. And ofcourse...

A healthy dose of phur-phurness, the patience to reply to all shampoo related emergencies, a zillion trips to Prem's, traipsing off to Buzz at a moments notice in a sari, walking out of theatres, bunking work, notes on scraps of paper and tissue papers, pacts signed,reading each other's minds, letters written from across countries, surviving the craziest year of all.

V:I want a nice new year message.

N: For you V, a thousand times over.

Have you ever?

2007-08-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever...

Felt like reading, sleeping, dancing, going for a long long walk, an even longer drive and a really big hug all at the same time?

Watched a movie and felt like your life would never be the same again?

Listened to a song on repeat a hundred times...and for the hundred and first time and felt like you just climbed the stairway to heaven? So have you found your fate song yet?

Looked at a random stranger and imagined what his life must be like all in a flash?

Laughed so hard that you had to hold on to each other to not fall off?

Broken a heart? Had your heart broken? And again and again and again and again..?

Been healed by a child’s laughter?

Thought that the patterns of light on the dance floor at 4a.m in the morning were the most beautiful things ever?

Woken up not knowing where you were?

Tried to find out if a haunted house was truly haunted? And found a bedraggled beggar/stoner/sadhu rising from a trance and proclaiming “God is great” in perfect English?

Felt like dancing in the rain?

Tasted fear?

Deconstructed deconstruction?

Longed for the sounds of the waves crashing? And heard it in a glass of early morning cold coffee?

Taken a walk in the fog and breathed it in?

Danced on the table, the chair, the speakers...?!!!

Eaten chocolate chip ice-cream for breakfast?

Felt comfortably numb? Uncomfortably numb..?

Felt the joy of successfully solving a complex algebra equation?

Felt that a journey that lasted ten minutes stretched for an age in your mind?

Tried to hold on to a memory that dances away on restless feet?

Wished that the plane would take off as soon as it lands?

Laid on your backs with friends by a lake in the middle of the night and counted shooting stars?

Felt every feeling that you could ever feel to it's excruciating end so that there is nothing left to feel?

Believed?

So have you lived? Then stay yet...

2007-08-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

The echoes of the wedding are still running through my head, the laughter, the long line, the smiles, posing for the camera. Wow she is really getting married! The ride back home through the quiet streets..All I can think of is what lies so close within grasp and yet tantalizingly out of reach. Oh the longing. It’s all I can take.

The car stops and we enter the now familiar gates. Everyone troops out exhausted, each lost in their own thoughts. And then I see the blades of the wet grass. They think I am a fool. But I don’t care. I take off the tick-tocks and walk on the wet grass. Hmmm. And absurdly marvelously for those 60 seconds I am happy. I am free.

It’s hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much,”

I see her on the hospital bed and the most vivid memory is the frock. It’s pink and white checks. It makes her look tiny. Vulnerable. She is. I relive the frantic ride there. The cops stopping us for jumping the red light. The explanations. The doctors face paling. Pulling the skin of the stomach up. I shudder. And then I see her grip the IV tube and her eyes open, her lips move.. she is asking for something. Water. “Jawl dao”. She keeps looking at the IV tube longingly and repeats those words.

My heart swells up with love. From this moment on there is no looking back. Joy asserts herself in the strangest of ways methinks. Let her

Wine
Rum
Whiskey
Vodka
The bottles get passed around. The world keeps turning. I’m spinning how quick the sun can drop away. Late morning laze. Conversation flows with each round the bottle takes. Nothing can drown the pain.

“Sometimes everybody hurts. Sometimes everybody cries. Nothing lasts forever.”

Late afternoon haze. And then your face is cupped between two hands and your world is complete. The shoulder is your world. The moment stretches. You want it to be forever. But nothing lasts forever. But some memories last long enough. Like you can never forget the message and the setting sun casting a glow on the empty bottle of water. It glints like a diamond. You smiled. You captured that love, that smile forever.

Moshai is dead. Silence. Shock. No. What??!!
Outside TC on a Wednesday night the phone lies still in my hands. The mind clears a little. I turn to look at everyone else. I don’t really see anything. I need to go home. Home to moshai’s, the trip is covered in silence. It is louder than screams. I meet Titu and hug her cause I don’t know the words that will heal or soothe. Like at many important moments words fail me. Maybe because the are so trivial..

My first visit to the crematorium. The body is carried in..pundits abound trying to claim the body for theirs. I am disgusted. Why should I be? Death is just another business of life isn’t it? The body is cleansed with holy water from the Ganges and then starts the process of piling wood just so..you see it will burn faster. Everyone scatters “khoi”. It should be everywhere the pundit says. You see it will burn evenly. And then we wait. We watch the person turn to smoke. The ashes float up in the late afternoon breeze. Some cling to my clothes so I brush them off.

"Ring around the Rosie,
Pocketful of posies.
Ashes to ashes.
We all fall down."

And then I see my cousins huddled together with the younger ones boyfriend who has brought her here from Bombay. They talk of some old memory and smile a sad smile. I think back to when I was alone in the room with Moshai’s body. The sitar that he loved playing so much laid out on the bed. I am reminded of childhood trips to their house when I would fool around with the sitar and he would scold me. I get the strange feeling that if I were to do that again he will get up and scold me once more. I smile a sad smile….

"..Or are you a stranger without even a name,
Forever enshrined behind some old glass pane,
In an old photograph, torn and tattered and stained,
And fading to yellow in a brown leather frame?"

Saturday morning. The alarm goes off at 7:30. Sevenfreakingthrity!!! This is sacrilege. My eyes refuse to obey the command from the brain. Sevenfreakingfortyfive now! There is a refresher TTT to be conducted. Part of me just wants to call up and cancel it. V can’t believe that I could even think like that. Oh god the burden of expectations. Sulk sulk sulk. “Cancel cancel cancel” says Mephistopheles! “No you have to go” says the little voice of my good angel.

Somehow I get myself to a rickshaw and I am traveling across a strangely peaceful suburban landscape. Early Delhi winter, the cold wind stings my face, whips my hair off my face. I breathe it in. The cold brings me to life. Everything is heart-stoppingly beautiful for the ride. I float. I fly.Don’t want the ride to end. Delicious! Suddenly it’s good to be alive. My I pod plays ‘The scientist’.

"Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry,
You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you tell you I need you
Tell you that I set you apart
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh let’s go back to the start…"

And ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2007.Yet another Wednesday night presents itself. TC. All the usual suspects are in. 3 tables, from one to the next. Revolving rotating. The jingle jangle of the music. Conversation consternation. Someone at another table falls off the chair. And then I am told something that makes me ridiculously happy. I want to believe.
Outside TC. The heavens have opened. The short walk to the cars seems un-traversable. The fallen one lies listlessly leaning against the door.

Then the piper played the pipe and we danced to his tune. We all join the Dragon. We just stand chatting in the rain.And heal. And so it flows. This life...

"...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."

Random musings

2007-07-29T01:15:00.000-07:00

Random pain hurt anger joy
love fear want uncertainty fall rise
reach leave try fail
try try try want want want
so the world plays...